Purse Confessions: It’s FALL

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It’s the middle of fall, and in SW Florida (today, October 19th) it finally feels like Fall. I’m not sure how long it will last, but the nostalgia is back and I’m ready to break out the cute colored tights, boots and pumpkin ale!

On another note, here’s what’s in my purse:

-Wallet with my new Driver’s License, which in FL you have to renew when you turn 26.
-Vampire blood-or what’s left of it from Zombicon-my friend and I went as Thelma and Louise.  Classic.
-That post it is a lunch order from today.  My boss’s birthday is on 10/18 and we all chipped in to buy him lottery tickets…he won $100!  Thus, he bought us all lunch which was nice.
-I’m also carrying sanitizer these days.  Tis the season for illness.
-Yes, that is halloween candy…I bought a 5 pound bag for $10…and then ate like 4 pounds of it-whoops.

The Best Time I Played in the Rain as an Adult

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The year was 2005.  It’s a little hard to think of myself as an adult now at 26, but I was 20 years-old at the time (still technically an adult) and I had just moved from the east coast of Florida to the west coast to finish college.

At this time I was older than most of the kids (-er adults) who were living in the dormitories.  Most of them were between the ages of 17 and 18 and had just finished high school.  I had been in school and even living on my own for the last two years.  I knew this was going to be interesting.

Believe it or not, there is quite a culture shock coming from one coast to the other.  For one, everyone on the west coast is super nice and they don’t seem to read sarcasm too well.  It took me a little while to adapt to the west coast being a little slower, a little more sensitive to sarcasm, and their highways only being two lanes.  Another characteristic that took some getting used to is that it rains every day at 3pm.

Sure, being a born and bred Floridian, I’ve always been accustomed to rain. Especially in the summer/fall switchover, but my God, this was literally EVERY DAY.  I thought I was so clever scheduling all my classes in the morning and early afternoon so I could be off by 3pm, but I didn’t anticipate being soaked by the time I got to the bus stop!

One afternoon, I was fortunate enough to have my last class canceled, so everything ended for the day before 2pm which left me dry in my dorm room nerding-out on the internet as the afternoon rainstorms rolled in.

Suddenly XXSHADOWMANXX popped up in a new window through my AIM messenger: “Hey, u home?”

XXSHADOWMANXX was actually an 18 year old boy I had met on campus when I first moved in.  For privacy reasons, I won’t reveal his real name, but let’s call him something mysterious to reflect is awful screen name choice…how about Xander?

Xander didn’t exactly fit into my typical cookie cutter type that I’m attracted to.  Traditionally, I like them tall, skinny and a little nerdy, but with a sharp tongue; if you ever meet my fiancee, you’ll know exactly how I like my men.  Xander was tall, average build, blond and looked like a little surfer boy even though he wore a different ICP shirt every day.

XXSHADOWMANXX: Wanna go play in the rain and jump in some puddles?

Jivegal1 (I never said I had the most clever name either): How old are we?

XXSHADOWMANXX: I know, but I’m bored.  I used to play in the rain all the time with my friends back @ home.  Come on, I’ll come over to ur building.

Out of sheer boredom, I decided to give in to the childish behavior.  Jumping in puddles with a boy who liked me couldn’t be as immature as the multiple meaningless conversations I was having in whatever vampire role playing chat room I was in (yea, that was a huge confession).

It wasn’t half bad, actually.  Eventually the conversations we had led to physics formulas that worked to measure how far water rises with a certain force and then later we just started saying really mean things about our past girlfriends and boyfriends and my crazy roommate who pretended to be depressed.

It was inevitable that the two of us would have a fling, and it lasted a good four to five months.

Eventually he said something rude to me, or I just got annoyed to the point where I stopped wanting to hang out with him and after I moved out of the dorms, I never really talked to Xander again.

Years down the road I found him (again) on Facebook and we all (me, him and some friends) met up at a concert.  He looked exactly the same in the face, but now had short hair and had two really awful nautical star tattoos on his chest, He was also really overly affectionate towards his girlfriend who was wearing a leather vest with beaded strings hanging from the pockets-no joke.

All in all, I’m pretty pleased with my mature decision of not pursuing anything with this guy…but we’ll always have our immature afternoon of playing in the rain.

Casey Anthony’s Parents on Dr. Phil

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So, I hope everyone has set their DVRs for Monday at 4pm.  Casey Anthony, who was acquitted in July is still in hiding, but her parents are going public on Dr. Phil.  According to Tampa News, the two parents sat with Dr. Phil exclusively to discuss their Casey’s future, the death of their granddaughter and the murder trial.

Apparently, the doc wants “the mystery to be taken out of this story”…we’ll see if the Anthony’s finally spill the beans or send the vague vultures our for blood.

In other news, Halloween is about 7 weeks away and these Casey Anthony masks are selling like hot cakes!

What is white; forbidden after Labor Day; OK after Easter and over worn by female basketball coaches?

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White pantsuits.

Labor Day is great.  It’s that final long weekend before the holidays. It’s kind of like Memorial Day, but because you got so drunk on the Friday before Memorial Day, you spent Saturday recovering, Sunday was spent repenting and then Monday was spent apologizing for your rude behavior. DO OVER!

So what’s all this hodgepodge over white pants?

I’m no fashionista, but apparently you are not supposed to wear white pants after Labor Day, but it’s back on after Easter. As someone who doesn’t exactly fall in the “super-model skinny” body type, I normally avoid white all together.  But where did this rule originate from?  France?

After loads of research via the internet, the most obvious answer becomes everyone’s “wiki answer”.  Labor Day often symbolizes the end of summer and in summer most individuals (or upper American WASPS) wore-or wear-white to stay cool-or cool.

Other sources indicate that this rule began in the early 20th century and prospered by symbolizing that during the revolutionary time, Labor Day signified when vacation was over and basically announced it was time to get back to the mill and continue wearing the worn dark attire that was often more acceptable when working on the street and in factories.

Whichever theory proves to be the correct, by the 1960’s this “rule” became just that, a theory. Cher from Clueless really only mentioned it, Coco Chanel disobeyed it,
and I’m pretty sure that if you ask any modern-day teenager about it, they’ll admit they’ve never heard of it.

Bottom line is that we all just need to wait and see which (or if a) Kardashian rebels against the “rule”.

Learning from your mistakes: The Booze Edition

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White Zinfadel, Arbor Mist and Wine Coolers.

I never thought of myself as a someone who could “aquire a taste” for Jack and Cokes.  It took me years to even touch rum and even longer to actually enjoy the taste of a good vodka martini.

I guess it’s an age thing.  If you would have asked me my top five favorite drinks between the age of 18-23 my list would look something like this:

1.) Madras
2.) Cranberry/vodka (heavy on the cranberry)
3.) Peach Arbor Mist
4.) White Zinfadel
5.) Bud Light (only if nothing else is available)

Hundreds of calories later you were wasted and making out with your best-guy(or girl)-friend on the couch followed by two hours of puking in the toilet and eventually later waking up on the bathroom floor face down in a big puddle of regrets.  Yes, that is your new $100 jacket from mom and dad with someone else’s vomit on it. Or wait-is that smell pee?  This slightly (exactly) resembles my last tango with Arbor Mist.

I was reminded of these days (aka college) last week standing in line at the local grocery store.  I was picking up some eggs and milk like a good lil fiancee and it was one of the few times I was strong and didn’t even look at the wine isle.  Two girls were in front of me; both clearly college students which can be decided on the amount of ways they can use the word “bitchin” and “rad”.
*Apparently “rad-tarded” is a new way of saying “cool” or “awesome”. 

One of the girls had a bottle of Arbor Mist and the other had chips and Oreos and other snack items (another clear indication these chics were in college). You remember how that goes.  The one who just had their 21st birthday or has a fake ID buys the booze and the other buys the food and is responsible for the outrageous lie to tell any cashier, cop or parent who questions their motives with the booze.

Then things get awkward. The cashier ID’s BOTH OF THEM. I guess Sweet Bay has really stepped up their part in the fight against underage drinking.  The girl who is clearly underage starts to explain this whole story of how they are going in separate directions and they came in two different vehicles, because let’s face it, that is the most traditional story to go with.

How do you know someone is lying?  They get really really loud, start repeating the same thing over and over again and then they start using their hands…a lot.  We’ve all been there.

The cashier is probably 20-30 years older than the girls whereas the bagger is approximately the same impressionable age as the two customers.  You can tell both are overwhelmed by the response by their constant glances at each other. They are particularly being thrown off by the multiple uses of “bitchin” and “rad” mixed with the escalation in the volume of this underaged girl’s voice.

I, on the other hand, just want to pay for my damn milk and eggs and I’m strongly reconsidering a trip down the wine isle.

Eventually (as to be expected) the cashier gives in.  The girl with the ID leaves first because that is just how it works, and the other girl, who has gotten much quieter, soothes the cashier by reconfirming her that she’s being picked up by someone else hoping that her further explanation somehow soothes the cashier that she somehow “did the right thing”.

Of course, this all occurs within a five minute timeframe, but as a witness to this incident (if you can call it that) reminded me so much of our much effort goes into these sort of situation. Naturally, 21 will eventually come around and these two will also one day realize that fighting so hard for Arbor Mist was really just not worth the effort. They’ll tell the story for a year or two and it will be funny. Then they’ll finally stop talking about it because it involves Arbor Mist and it just becomes embarrassing.

So, beyond this random Wednesday evening, I did find a recipe for what to do if you have a party and a bunch of kids show up with White Zinfadel. Courtesy of The Hairpin, you can always use this recipe to make White Zin Faux-Margaritas.

Today my pallet has changed and I have a whole new top five list which I would like to put up in case anyone wants to buy me a drink the next time they “bump into me”:

1.) Vodka martini with three olives (preferably stuffed with blue cheese)
2.) Vodka-soda with a lime
3.) A shot of vodka
4.) Jack and coke
5.) Bud light (if nothing else is available…or there’s a deal on pitchers/buckets).

 

 

Research Paper: The Life and Death of Star Fish(es)

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Remember writing research papers?  I loved writing research papers!  They are so straight forward and just fact.

Anyway, this paper is about starfish.  I chose starfish because they are weird, pretty and eat with their stomachs inside out.

Starfish, often called “sea stars”, are phylum echinoderms and belong to Asteroidea class.  Starfish are technically not fish because they do not have any gills or scales; however, they are closely related to sea urchins, sand dollars and sea cucumbers.

There are approximately 2,000 “kinds” (species) of starfish and not all of them have only five arms.  Some, including the Sun Starfish can have over 20 arms.

Sun Starfish

Speaking of arms, one of the starfish’s defense mechanisms is the dropping and re-growth of their arms.  Much like a lizard, when threatened by a predator, the starfish can drop it’s arm to escape and still survive.  Many of the vital organs are within the arms of a starfish, but in some instances, starfish can slowly re-grow from just one extremity as long as a part of the starfish’s central disc is still located in that arm.

Also helping against predators is their armor.  Starfish are exoskeletons, which means that they have a hard layer made of calcium carbonate plates which protect their soft insides.  *Mmmm, soft insides.*

The life spans of starfish greatly vary depending on the species.  Some species live a limited life of five years, while others can live as long as 30+ years.

Get it on!

Although there are hermaphrodite species who care both sperm and eggs, most species have separate male and female starfish.  The males can be determined by locating the gonads (tee hee) located on the arms.  Most starfish form in groups or pair when they reproduce.  They do not mate for life (sluts).

Starfish traditionally feed on oysters, claims and snails.  To feed on such animals, the starfish pry their prey’s shells open and then push its stomach through it’s mouth into the shell and swallows the meat inside.  After digesting, I slides it’s stomach back into it’s body.  Talk about “sucking it in.”

So there is some super awesome new facts about starfish just in case you ever need to write a paper, or kick some one’s ass at trivia.  Also note that starfish don’t have blood, but do have eyes.  Take that, DataHead Cranium lovers!

Word count: 391

Summer Vacation Memories That Were Once Tragedies

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Growing up, my family ALWAYS took a summer vacation.  As a family, we’ve gone everywhere and done everything from hiking through the mountains of Colorado to whale watching on some pirate ship in Cape Cod.

My mom, dad, two brothers and I pride ourselves on how horribly we can embarrass each other, but no better time was during summer vacation where we really got to show off our lack of function or direction. From towing a pop-up camper through New England to boarding a pirate ship, we can only laugh about the craziness of our expeditions and the many many many s’mores we ended up making in a microwave instead of around a camp fire.

One of my most memorable vacations was traveling to Colorado in the summer of 2000. I remember that I was 15 and miserable because we left on my birthday.  We always left on my birthday.  All I wanted to do was get on a plane, listen to my new Garbage album (Version 2.0) and sulk because my summer was going to suck and it was all my parents’ fault.

We woke up early (on my birthday), loaded a plane (on my birthday) and then as soon as lift off happened I realized I had left all 200 of my angry “life sucks” CD’s at the airport (on my birthday).  Things couldn’t have gotten worse until my dad decided to make comments about how hilarious it was that all I was left with to listen to was Garbage. “Get it?”

My mom got me hooked on Peanut M&M's on this trip. She's the root of all my problems involving chocolate.

Besides being angry the entire time, I remember panning for gold and riding on the cable trolleys through the canyons-breathtaking. I also remember at some point my youngest brother, Chris and I ganged up on the our other brother, Joey and got in trouble for throwing rocks. I also remember my lips being chapped.

By the summer of 2002 I had (sort of) come out of my phase of pretending to hate my parents.  I was a little happier and looking forward to my senior year in high school. Over all, I had a pretty good attitude-or at least a better attitude. This year my parents rented an RV and we drove up to the coast all the way through NY.  I was 17 and yes, we left on my birthday.  Figures.

This was the year my brothers and I really had to grasp the fact that my parents didn’t know everything even though they always claimed they did. After multiple situations of getting lost through Georgia, hours of argument over who’s fault it was that dad backed into a tree trying to leave Virginia; and then my dad getting a ticket in Connecticut; my driving record was looking pretty good for a teenager.

I remember having a good time at museums, being a little disappointed in Salem and actually being moved by the Vietnam Wall.  And yes, this is the summer my mom insisted we go on a pirate ship and sing pirate songs and wave plastic swords because my brother, Chris, wanted to.  Spoiled baby.

I think I always resented family vacations because they seemed so forced.  But when I look back at the memories, what the hell else could I possibly have done for three months that was better?  I think once I met someone who didn’t have the opportunity to be “forced” to ride down Bourbon Street on horse and carriage or who was never “tortured” into camping near Fort Augustine, I gained a whole new perspective on what my parents were trying to do.

My brothers and I are all grown up now and we each live at least two hours away from our parents (some of us a few states away), so it’s important to remember the “when” and “where’s” of family vacations so we can laugh about the “who’s”, “how’s” and “why’s.”

My brother Joey, mom and I canoeing in Sanibel, FL (on vacation). We were not into it. Can you tell?

Coming Back from “Writing (Summer) Vacation”


Here at Skirt Issues we all (all two of us) have separate lives, personalities and of course: jobs.  For the month of August we took a “writing vacation” (if there is such a thing) to focus on our friends, family, careers and most importantly ourselves.

So just as everyone else is settling into their assigned seating in class, and finally getting used to brown bagged lunches, we are now ready to continue our path of gossip, new ideas, creative thinking and laughter.

Thanks for waiting!

Coping with Cabbage: Trish Does 7 Days on the Cabbage Soup Diet


Sunday, Day 1:

Two weeks into 26 and I’m starting my first cleanse.  I think I found the easiest seven-day cleanse, which is referred to as the Cabbage Soup Diet

Fortunately, the title doesn’t proceed it’s name.  I am allowed to eat more than cabbage soup. In fact, the directions allow you “stuff stuff stuff” with fruits…vegetables…beef…depending on the day.

Traditionally, my Sunday have consisted of watching countless hours of Law and Order…or something else on Netflix while munching on snacks and then rewarding myself with pizza and PBR for fitting in two or three chores within my day

Today, I am allowed to eat as much soup as I want (greeeeat) and as much fruit as I want. I’m a few hours in and I’ve had two bowls of the soup, many many strawberries, a few cherries with a glass of water and tea (unsweetened).  Eventually I went to the store because I got antsy and bought a giant jug of water.

What do I want? Whiskey.  I’ve been watching Mad Men all day and wish I could be like Don Draper (but female…and a little more committed) and just light up a cigg and swirl a drink pretending to work (or do chores).

Monday, Day 2:

Today I am allowed to eat all the veggies and soup that I want!  The only problem is that I’m not a HUGE veg-O.

Sure, I keep carrots, celery and frozen lima beans in the house, but the cleanse says to stay away from beans and corn, and because I’m not able to put any condiments (ie. peanut butter/ranch) on my anything, I’m basically stuck with carrots for the day. I did, however, find out that I’m allowed to have black coffee (yay)!

I couldn’t stomach the thought of eating cabbage for breakfast, so I skipped it and just stuck with the coffee.  I had carrots around 10am.  Being a work really does help.  I packed about 3 cups of soup and let me tell you, I have managed to spill about 1/2 a cup all over myself.  What is my problem?!

soup stain

Tonight I am allowed to eat a large potato with butter which I bought on my lunch break.  I’m going to go to the gym, but that’s never really a challenge on Mondays.  I’m always pretty motivated on Mondays; however, I am eager to see if I hate the world coming up on Wednesday when all I can eat is cabbage soup, skim milk and bananas. Bleck!

On another note, I’m pretty shocked at the few amount of times I’ve gone to the bathroom.  Not to jinx myself, but I went several times yesterday, except it was for fluid purposes.  I guess only time will tell.

Tuesday, Day 3:

Part one (recap from Day 2)– It’s about an hour after my lunch time on Day 3 and I’m doing well. I had an orange and coffee for breakfast and I feel like I’ve been munching on soup and cherries all day today.

Last night I went to the gym and did my normal routine which included a 10 min warm up, strength training (legs) and then a 20 min cool down.  I was fine through the warm up and then towards the end of my lunges I started to get dizzy and had to have someone escort me to the podium to put my head between my legs (old school style).  It was incredibly embarrassing, but I ended up chugging a bunch of water and slowly walking on the treadmill for about more 10 minutes to finish out the workout-I ain’t no quitter!

I probably should have eaten more throughout the day.  As mentioned, I’m not a big Veg-o, but I probably could have forced myself to eat some broccoli or a spinach salad.  I think anything would have been better but the 3 cups of soup and 2 carrots I ate.  In all honesty, I haven’t really been that hungry; neither today or yesterday.  Could this be a sign that it’s working?

Part two– It’s 8:30pm.  I skipped the gym after my fiasco yesterday I thought it would be a good idea to take a 24-hour break.  There’s always tomorrow.

Today, I went to the store to pick up my bananas, milk and amo for my 38 special.  I figure that if I don’t lose any weight from this I’ll just shoot myself in the leg, wait for it to get infected and then they can amputate it…that’s probably a good 15-20 lbs, right?  How much does a human leg weigh?  I’m kidding; we are going to the range on Saturday and I wanted to get my bullets before they jack the prices up again.

I also picked up a spaghetti squash and had a little less than half for dinner.  I’m proud to say that I’ve broken the cleanse yet, but I also haven’t eaten too much soup.  I had about three cups at work today; I had about four to five cups yesterday and Sunday.  I was going to try and have another cup, but I’m so damn full!

Still haven’t gone to the bathroom in over 48 hours.  I took a laxative about 30 minutes ago; hopefully, that’s all I need to get some motion in the ocean.

Wednesday, Day 4:

Bananas and Milk; oh how I’ve awaited your disgusting arrival.  Maybe I overreacted about day four.  I do like bananas…but to eat up to eight? I ended up eating six bananas today, a quart of skim milk (gross) and three bowls (or coffee mugs) of cabbage soup. Seems like a lot when it’s all written down.

I finally started to feel the “cleansing” party of this seven-day trial around  lunch.  I tried going to the gym, but only lasted about 20 minutes until I had to spend some QT time with the toilet.

Tomorrow is steak day! YAY!

Thursday, Day 5:

Today I eat steak!  I’m allowed up to 20 oz’s of beef chicken or fish and up to 6 tomatoes.  After eating all those bananas and milk yesterday, I am finding it hard to stay full.  I’m running low on soup, so I only had one cup (or mug) full so I can save some for the weekend, but I fear I will run out.

I broiled some steaks last night and packed them as a snack and I also bought a carton of grape tomatoes which are sweeter than I remember, but still good.

Jeremy is preparing me a steak dinner with baked cherry tomatoes.  I am very excited how this will turn out.  OK, I have to go pee…again.

Friday, Day 6:

Part one (recap of Day 5…and some thoughts on aprons)-Well, I ran out of soup last night. I went to the store and cooked about half a batch.  I’m sure that I’ll eat more during the next week.  I’ve actually acquired a taste for it as long as it’s spicy.

Last night I cooked another batch of soup and made some meatballs for tomorrow.  I also washed clothes and did the dishes…twice.  I felt very domestic by the time 9pm rolled around; not sure if it was because of all the chores I did or because I was wearing an apron while doing them.  O yeah, I forgot to mention that I wear aprons now.  I never thought I’d realize the purpose of an apron, but one day I did and found they actually have come to be quite handy.

Part two-Today is beef and veggie day.  I am allowed to eat as much beef, vegetables and unsweetened juice as I want.  I skipped the juice and substituted with water. Ground beef (my meatballs) totally dried me out today.

I started my day with a bowl of soup around 10am and then munched on some meatballs and tomatoes (technically a fruit-whoops).  Then I had some jerky and baby carrots.  I love carrots.  Apparently they are considered a “negative calorie” vegetable because they burn more calories while they are digesting that what they actually have in them.  Plus I feel full just after eating a handful.

Tonight it was everything I could do not to make a quick left hand turn to the liquor store and purchase a bottle of Pino Noir.  EVERYTHING I COULD DO.

Fridays=”my days.” I normally would stop at the store on my way home and pick up a Lean Cuisine and a bottle of red and just watch loads of TV.  Normally, Jeremy (fiancee) is also out and about which leaves me home alone to indulge in SSB (strange single behavior)*. Basically, I strip down to my underwear, put on a pore minimizing facial mask and shout out the (mostly wrong) answers to reruns of Jeopardy. Please note this does not happen when Jeremy is  around.  I’m still a weird-o, I just don’t do the above mentioned.

Tonight I’m will not participate in such behavior.  In fact, I will be cleaning.  We have house guests this weekend so it works out quite nicely. For dinner: soup, spaghetti squash and if I’m still hungry I have a couple of left over meatballs.

*See Sex and the City; Season Four; Episode 13.

Saturday, Day 7:

Day seven was worse than yesterday.  We went out to the range and after handling multiple guns all morning, all I wanted to do was order a beer at a bar.

I ended up going out both for lunch and dinner and as breadbaskets were passed around and bacon cheeseburgers were consumed right next to me, I opted to the salad bar both times.

Today I’m allowed as much brown rice and veggies as I want.  I didn’t eat more than two servings of the brown rice because it was so filling, but with all the salad bars and steamed veggies I definitely got my fill for fiber.

TODAY:

Final weigh in this morning: 6 lbs.  Not quite the 10 that I was hoping for but I’ll take what I can get.

I understand that this was probably just water weight or bile, but it’s nice to know that I was actually able to do it, survive it and actually have lost some weight.

I feel like now is the time for a fresh start.  I have a ton of leftover soup, so I’ll probably squeeze that in between meals and something I learned during the week is eating high fruits and veggies and low carbs and no booze sure does save when it comes to the bank.

“NPH” Thinks the NYC Housewives are Awful

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…and so do I!

Did anyone else get a glimpse at Part One of the Real Housewives of NYC Reunion?  It was AWFUL!

I’m always particularly uncomfortable when it comes to the NYC housewives.  I’m not sure why, but I often find myself watching for five minutes and then having to change the channel real quick for a sec.  I always go back, but I just get this weird unease during my trance while watching the Real Housewives. I never seem to have any problems with the other reunions.  I guess you can’t really take OC and New Jersey too seriously…and for some reason the ATL gals seem to usually keep their composure.

It seems like everyone is at everyone else’s throat.  Right now it’s the blondes versus the brunettes, but even the newest housewife, Cindy (a brunette) has beef with just about everyone.  She even snapped at fellow brunette, Luanne: “Don’t you tell me what to do either.”

I think this season we all saw a little bit of the alcoholic Ramona come out, but at least that justifies how crazy she is. I’m still not sure how or why or where Kelly’s crazy behavior comes from.

After the one-hour of bitching New Yorkin program, the after show with Andy Cohen just confirmed how even the guy who seems like the coolest, laid back man on TV does in fact have a boiling point.  Neil Patrick Harris aka NPH aka Doogie Howser definitely described the real women of the Big Apple as loud, bickering bitches and even got personal by describing Alex as “Frankenstein-ish”.

“NPH really can do it all!”