As the outrage starts to slowly simmer over Kim Kardashian’s recent end to her two-month marriage, I’m finally ready to admit that the fact that I refer to Kim Kardashian as just “Kim” and Kris Jenner as “momma Kardashian” is just inappropriate.

I think it was a colleague of mine who pointed out my ridiculous addressing of the individuals of the Kardashian clan.  Actually, it was more of a “point and laugh” at my reference.

It got me thinking…what if I were a Kardashian? 

Obviously, I’d have to change my name to a “K” name…here’s what I came up as appropriate “K” names that could also start with a “C”:

Katheryn; Katherine; Kathy
Katlin; Kaytlin; Kaitlyn; Kaitlin…and so on.
Korrin (Corrine)
Kassandra; Kassie
Ultimately, I decided my fav was Kassie.

Once I had my “K name” I knew I had to pick “a side”.  For those of you as up to date with, Keeping up with the Kardashians, you know that there are actual family sides.  There’s Kourtney and Khloe’s side vs. Kim-or vs. Kim and “momma Kardashian”, and there’s even a Kylie and Kendall vs. Bruce side.  Poor poor Bruce.

Choosing a side was tough, so in due course I started to list their PROs and CONs.

Kim and Kris

-Lots of traveling
-Mom would prioritize me and my career
-Kim seems easily amused so it probably won’t take much to entertain her.
-Awesome gifts from Kim (did you see what she got her mom before the wedding OMG OMG!?!).

-Lots of traveling
-Attention from “Momma Kardashian” could cause rifts between Kim and I.
-I can’t afford gives to reciprocate what they give me.

Kourtney and Khloe

-I won’t be the butt of all the jokes.
-Edgy style desperately needed among their pink and animal printed fabrics and I could be the sista to do that!
-Cool husbands
-Good senses of humor

-I might end up as the butt of all the jokes.
-Could be the sista to completely destroy the DASH brand.
-Actually only ONE cool husband.
-See first con: I might end up as the butt of all the jokes.

Yes, I was deadlocked.  I needed to stop being selfish and think of which side would benefit from me more and I eventually decided to be on the Kim/Kris side.  Maybe I can trick them by buying cubic zirconia jewelry and have the same reaction Kim did when she went on vacation and almost lost one of her uninsured diamond earrings.

If I was a Kardashian, I’d be the unmarried, single one which would be beneficial because I could laugh in the face of marriage with Kourtney, but then also laugh behind her back because everyone saw how big of a douche her boyfriend is.

I’d also try accept the challenge of being a good influence on Kylie and Kendall by telling them to save themselves for marriage, but they’d still think I was the coolest because I’d probably buy them both the complete series of Sex and the City for their 16th birthday.

I’ve got some mixed feelings about my faux relationship with the Kardashian Family, but maybe they’ll make room for me next season.