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Nobody deserves to go through those tear-filled days followed by those sleepless nights.  You don’t want to go out, you don’t want to eat…  All you want to do is sit in your bath tub with a bottle of crappy Pino Noir and stay in there crying until the pain in your chest goes away or until the water gets cold, which is what normally happens first.  This is the what is known as the break up pains.

For the first few days you are the most pathetic being on Earth.  About a week later, you hit the roller coaster period where you are sad then angry, then sad, then angry.  You talk such crap about how much you hated his music, his morning breath and the way he made coffee, and then you burst into tears and realize you will miss all those things.

Eventually, the sadness and the hurt will fade and you will be left just pissed.  So here is a list of really awful things you can do towards that asshole, because after all, he deserves it!

1.)  Do you and your ex still live together?  Great, your misery makes this evil plan a lot easier and worth it.  Pack your shit in front of him and mention you are going on “a trip”. Then spend the next couple of days with one of your girlfriends or somewhere you know you are going to be pampered for the weekend: your mom’s house.
While you are away, not only are you being fed multiple pounds of carbohydrates and being told how much better you are than him, you are also planning an evil plot to have multiple telegrams, cards, presents and flowers sent to your house from “Steve”.  Who is “Steve”?  “Steve” is your new fling you met over the weekend on your “trip”.  For the next seven days upon your arrival home, you will be greeted by flowers, telegrams and at least one gift your ex was forced to sign off on and will probably stare at until you got home from work.

2.)  Before the night you two decide to exchange your belongings and give things back, take his Die Hard collection and replace them with season two of Sex and the City.  This can also apply to his Star Wars collection, Greatest Foodball Moments collection…etc.

3.)  Cyber prank him.  Don’t touch his Face Book or Twitter account…that’s too obvious and also probably the first place he’ll expect for you to take a vengeance on. Change his passwords for things he probably won’t figure out right away, ie.  electric bill, computer hibernating mode, iTunes, Netflix.  It doesn’t need to be anything dramatic, but changing his password from: Raiders1984 to Imanasshole2011 is definitely a pretty good, subtle way of making a point.

4.) If the boy is going to act like a dog, thou shall treat him so.  There’s an old trick you can play not only on your ex, but also on an annoying little brother, roommate, etc.  I once threw a BBQ and my stupid annoying roommate decided that she was going to come, so I decide to take some delicious finely ground Alpo and replace her stupid vegan meat with the dog food.  Naturally, I wasn’t the only one in on the scam which made it that much fun since we continued to call her–or in this case him–dog breath.  Barking as he passes by is also pretty hilarious, just as long as those with you are in on the secret.

5.)  Sleep with your ex’s best friend…or brother…or boss.  Better yet, fall in love with each other and get married.  Hardcore.

6.)  Get to his family.  This is something you need to do right after the break up, so it also might be a little tricky during the mourning period.  Send a little note to his mom, sister, aunt…great aunt…letting them know how things “just didn’t work out” but you hope to still remain friends with the family.  Of course, nothing will grow from this and if it does, your ex will definitely hear about how big of a jerk he was to that sweet girl (AKA you) he dated “back then” at the next family reunion.

7.)  The seventh most awful thing you can do to your ex is to just ignore him.  We are all adults, so if you don’t have a weak moment and cave to any of the abovementioned evil deeds, good for you.  Because in the end, the element of mystery is really what kills someone.  So tell your friends to stop sending hate mail, tell your dad to put away his gun, because your ex has no idea what he’s missing and that’s just too bad!

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