Good to know Mickey D’s is still giving girl/boy toys away. Also good to know that I still don’t understand them as an adult…
Lesson #1: The importance ofj aging gracefully.
It’s a known fact that every housewife (whether is NJ or the OC) is tormented by the idea that one day they will be 50 and their husbands will grow fat and/or bald (unless their husband is Slade Smiley) while they (including Slade) continue to do everything they can to preserve their good looks with silicone.
This week as we watched the Queens of Jersey strut their stuff and later hash it out at the annual Posche Fashion Show at The Brownstone, we learned that aging gracefully not only includes your physical appearance, but also the way you behave. We were reminded of this when we welcomed back the two Kim’s America loves to hate: Kim D. and Kim G.
While Caroline Manzo has accepted her role as “mother hen” in the group, we have learned that she has also embraced it. I’m sure she had some insecurities during the first season which probably resulted in her extreme weight loss come season two, but she dresses conservatively and refused to let anything enter her body unless it’s good Italian cuisine.
Kim DePaola and Kim Granatell, on the other hand, continue to indulge in the behavior of the middle school instigators who were always trying to get the two most popular girls in a fight (insert Teresa and Danielle circa season 2). Beyond the immature behavior Kim G. is now dressing like a woman 20 years her junior. I’m not sure what sort of ageless mirror Kim G is peering into, or who told her that sequined dresses were back (if ever) in style, but someone has got to put an end to her madness.
Lesson #2: When Joe Gorga gives you “the look” you should “just know”.
It seems like Teresa just can help but be the center of all the drama. From her battle
with Danielle Staub during seasons one and two to this season’s family feud between her and her brother, Joe Gorga. There is a table being flipped, pounded or thrown at some point.
This season, Teresa is apparently the center of attack from her brother and sister in-law’s wrath for her not paying enough attention to them. The televised start of the controversy was at Teresa’s nephew’s Christening where Joe and wife, Melissa Gorga felt Teresa was coming off fake. Comments and tempers became heated after Teresa (who is known to never be on time) was late to the event and minus one husband and two children. Water eventually boiled over when Teresa later approached her brother and Melissa to congratulate him again on the Christening when Joe then lost his grip and began yelling and screaming about Teresa’s apparent fakeness towards him and his family. A few days later, describing the incident to close friends and family, Joe made the very clear explanation by pounding on the table that the incident at the Christening was not his fault, after all, he did give Teresa “the look” which was confirmed by cousin Kathy. Apparently, Joe Gorga has gone back to his animalistic roots and has eyeballs that give off the scent: STAY AWAY.
Stay tuned for more life lessons provided by the Real Housewives of NJ. Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s going to be a good season.
We can’t help when we were born. So for all those annoying “friends” of ours who think that we are babies because of a mere 3-5 years difference in age, just because I was only 10 in 1995, doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy Empire Records or any other cult-classic movie from the 1990’s.
One weekend-one really boring weekend, I managed to take some time out of my schedule and squeeze in a movie marathon of classics (I was able to pencil it in between brewing my second pot of coffee and procrastinating doing some laundry). I finally watched Gone with the Wind and An Affair to Remember. Two of the longest, most romantic movies of all time. When evening approached, I fast forwarded to 60 years later and stumbled across a high school favorite of mine: Empire Records. I used to love that movie! I can remember being in middle school and then in high school sitting at my bestfriend’s house smoking cigarettes and having contests on who can make their voice higher than Renee Zellweger’s while we watched our favorite movie over and over again.
Being in my mid-twenties and able to enjoy the movie without the giant smoke cloud surrounding me on top of the poor quality of the VHS tape, nostalgia kicked in as soon as Rory Cochrane’s character, Lucas spoke. All those cute little fuzzies in my belly arose as I remembered how in love I was with that sarcastic kind of weird music nerd-guy who always wore black turtle necks.
By the end of the movie, I literally said out loud that Empire Records was still my favorite movie. It got me thinking about all the other great 90’s movies that I used to love, but never watch over and over again like I used to as a puberty-stricken pup. Would I still love them?
At that moment I challenged myself to really take some time to revisit my youth and force myself to make time (aka have more boring weekends) and force myself to abuse Netflix and fill up my que with awesome movies I enjoyed between 13-17 years old.
The next time my fiancee logs into Netflix he is in for a treat!
The Witches-1990, scariest movie when I was a kid. It’s taken me about 15 years to try and watch this movie again! I had the books.
ReservoirDogs-1992, in fact I’m just going to watch every Tarantino film in one day. It’s been done before.
Swingers-1996 “Vegas, baby! Vegaaas!”
Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion-1997
10 Things I Hate About You-1999
and finally: Every Kevin Smith film with would put me into the 2000’s so many that would be better to save for a different weekend.
Clerks-1994, Mallrats-1995, Chasing Amy-1997, Dogma-1999
The Protestants may just be right on about the Rapture scheduled for tomorrow…
Could the death of Randy “Macho Man” Savage be the massive theoretical earthquake we all expected to start the demise of Earth? Savage did not survive the fatal car crash in Tampa this morning.
Rest in peace, my Macho Man.
At the ripe age of 25, I think the closest I’ve gotten to a girl fight was probably my freshman year of high school. I walked by one of the “preps” (see the official Preppy Handbook) talking made “junk” about my mom who was a school faculty member. I think it was one of the only times I had bought lunch…on top of that it was one of the only times I started drinking my milk in the front of the line because as I walked by this nasty lady, I heard a nasty word exit that bitche’s mouth and I simply took my milk and dumped it all over her pretty Pantine Pro-v’d head.
Today, I don’t particularly see myself getting into a girl fight, but I can’t help but indulge in a good episode of The Bad Girls Club, or hang out with my best friend who loves getting into a fight after taking a few Red-headed Slut shots. So here is a compiled list of (some pretty good) reasons to get into a girl fight that has been approved by other girls.
1.) Should a guy call you and your ladies lesbians because you refuse to pay attention to them.
2.)Should a girl call you and your ladies lesbians because you receive too much attention on the dance floor.
3.) A girl confronts you for her boyfriend hitting on you.
4.) Someone steals one of the following: your drink, your purse, your man. Yes, in that order.
5.) Someone calls you fat.
6.) Someone calls your best friend fat.
7.) Someone proceeds to get violent with a bottle of Hennessey, a car, or pet chiwawa.
8.) Ms. or Mr. Self-Righteous strikes a conversation.
It’s towards the bottom of the list because it’s not necessarily a good reason to fight, but it has been agreed on by multiple women that the self-righteous who overly judge you on watching Sex and the City, or hate you because you eat meat, just suck and should be taken out.
So while guys always approve of a good girl fight or girl-initiated fight, here are eight girl-approved reasons to roll up your sleeves and let that asshole or bitch have it. Go get ’em!
Every spring kicks off the longest sport known to man; America’s favorite past time, baseball. Now I’m not one of those girly ladies who get aggravated when “the game is on.” In fact, I’ve been known to ditch family gatherings, leave work early and even ignore phone calls from my mother because the Chicago Bears were on. However, I can’t help but complain about a sport that takes up multiple channels for the majority of the year. Seriously, nine innings can feel like a lifetime.
Although I’m not a huge fan of the Major League, I do know the game; I know the teams and yes, I am judging you depending on who you like. Of the 27 teams (which should not be allowed), I can only provide a preview. I mean, who’s got the time to go through all team profiles and then associate them with pop-culture?!
Chicago White Sox/Cubs
Either team you choose, you’re gonna piss of a parent, aunt or cousin. Whether you decide to root for the Sox or the Cubbies, liking either team is sure to divide a family during the long season and frankly dear, you just don’t give-a-damn.
I was in a parking lot once and passed a car with a Yankees, Jets and UM sticker decal on the back. Obviously I was entering the same store as the ultimate asshole. I know there’s a huge rivalry between the Yankees and…just about every other team. But if it weren’t for the millions of Yankee jerks with their popped collars and their cold Coronas, I may have a different opinion of the team…and their fans.
Boston Red Sox
Unless you were born before 1946 or if you are from Boston, you are probably a bandwagon fan.
Tampa Bay Rays
Let me guess…you started liking the Rays after 2008…
Toronto Blue Jays
Why on Earth is there a Canadian team in the MLB? I understand that most consider Toronto as the Americanized Canadian city (aka a city we made better), but I don’t think this qualifies them to be involved in one of America’s most famous past times.
I guess you can’t help but feel for any Detroit fan…suckers.
Twins, Angeles and Indians
These teams are really only known for the string of Baseball movies that first flooded our theaters in the 1980’s…and then again in the 1990’s.
And so you have it. I’m sure I could be cruel and snappy towards more teams, but for a sport that I’m not even that interested in, I’ve spent too much time on the topic already. Trish has said it and so it must be true.
Greeting cards, we’ve all recieved at least on in our lifetime, and eventually they get thrown away.
According to Hallmark, more than 141 million cards are sold on Valentines Day, and V’day is only known as the second largest card-giving day in the US. This puts the number one spot as Christmas and the number three as Mother’s Day, according to the “experts” at Yahoo Answers.
As spring begins to turn into summer, we find ourselves right smack in the middle of Mothers Day and Fathers Day, and greeting cards are flying off the shelves at local grocery and drug stores. Originally, I always thought of greeting cards as a cop-out, but the older I get and more bills I have to pay on my own, I realize that getting a card is actually one of the most convenient and thoughtful things you can do in any situation.
There are typically two scenarios that call for a greeting card. The first is the “expected” scenarios . Birthdays, Mother’s and Fathers Day, Christmas, etc. The second cinerio is the “thoughtful” scenarios. These situations are typically “Thank You” cards, “Get Well Soon” cards or “Just Thinking of You” cards.
Some specific instances fall into a little be of a gray area between expected and thoughtful situation. For instance after weddings, you should expect to send a Thank You card or else your great Auntie Anne may activate the bomb she planted in the china she bought for you.
I think this year I’ve got a whole new perspective on greeting cards. For one, I procrastinated on the delivery of a Mother’s Day card so I ordered flowers instead. $50 later with a huge headache from the florist, I learned my lesson and set up a email reminder of when to get a card for next year. Secondly, I received just a thoughtful card this morning from a good (best) friend reminding me of what an awesome reunion we had the weekend before. I have to admit-it was a great way to start of the morning!
So as I close, I learn to lose the judgment on my birthday when a friend of a friend buys me some card because they (probably) forgot to get a gift. After all, they probably spent at least 10-15 minutes hand selecting that card. Then again, no promises if the card sucks and says $0.99 on the back.
So here I am standing in line at Tropical Smoothie, ordering my usual (Pomegranate Plunge with no sweeteners) where “Mildred” (names have been changed to protect the idiotic) plants herself no less than eight inches behind me.
What happened to “personal space”? All I want to do is hand the seventeen year old cashier my credit card, get my receipt and move to the “pick up” line, but I can’t even move. Now, usually I’m not one much for “personal space” but this was just uncalled for. I’m certainly not claustrophobic, but I couldn’t breath over the stench of Mildred’s moth ball perfume and recent perm odor.
Obviously her mother never taught her that there are a few places when you are NEVER to stand as close to someone as possible:
1. Any check-out line (grocery store, the Post Office, amusement parks, etc)
2. The line for the ATM (it’s just common courtesy)
3. The salad bar line
Some people just don’t care where you are, they will be right behind you. As if that extra foot will help them get to the beginning of the line any quicker.
Whenever I feel someone too close to me in line, my automatic reaction is to back up, which usually leads to me stepping on toes…but that’s the price you pay for basically sniffing the back of my neck.
The next time you’re behind someone in line, take note of how close you stand to them because I promise you that they’re taking note themselves.
That just blows my skirt up.
There’s a Sex and the City episode where Samantha Jones dumps out the contents of her purse during brunch and nothing but condoms and lipgloss falls out. Obviously after witnessing this, many would assume and be right
on target about the type of woman Samantha is. But what about other ladies’s purses?
I was pretty surprised after cruising online to see what everyone else totes around in their purse. I found tons of lip glosses, keys, glasses, pens, gum, etc. I also found very few feminine products. No wonder it’s so hard to find a tampon when you’ve switched purses for the week…no one is carrying them around these days!
I also found it strange how many weird objects more and more women are carrying around in their purse. I found evidence of everything from 35-mm vintage cameras, to plush toys…and even a copy of Catcher in the Rye. Hopefully all those Cosmopolitan Magazine quizzes deeming “you are what’s in your purse” aren’t completely true because if I’m going to lay judgement on the above listed contents, I’d put together a shy child molester who is obsessed with “the classics.”
As for myself, I always scored pretty low on the purse personality quiz. I like to keep things simple and carry around the necessities, but I always keep a good lip balm. I guess that makes me simple, necessary and kissable.
I don’t do this often, but yesterday I made a (non-work related) “TO DO” list. Most of it involved preparing for a weekend trip, but some are just daily things I added so that library books got returned on time, the electric bill got paid and certain people had clean shirts to wear while I was away.
On this list, I finally decided to buckle down and get a pair of all-around black sandals. I’m not talking about some comfortable Reef’s or some crazy six-inch strappy high heels; what I am looking for is something a little more universal, which makes the matter a little more complex. I need something that would be perfect to wear to work, throw on for cocktail hour, but also easy to slip on to take out the trash. Sounds easy, right? If only you knew how many times I’ve stood in front of the Size 8 aisle saying the above sentence over and over again…
When shoe shopping, there are just so many rules that you have to abide by. I know it sounds a little neurotic to discuss “dos” and “don’ts” of shoe shopping, but if you can’t on Skirt Issues, where can you?
Shopping for the perfect black sandal is a lot like shopping for the perfect black cocktail dress or the perfect nude purse. What you are basically shopping for is that one item that you are going to wear over and over again will multiple outfits, so you better get it right.
What you don’t want is a pair of black heels that put you at a solid 5’7, because lets face it, wearing heels and while taking out the trash is just trashy (bum dum). A flat is definitely in order if you want to keep the universality of the shoe.
You also want to avoid a a pair of shoes your grandmother would wear. Anything made totally out of rubber or containing Velcro straps is an immediate sign that that shoe should be left on the aisle to die…or be shipped to a local Goodwill.
I think today the best way to go is the good ‘ol gladiator sandal. I probably have a gladiator in just about every color but black or brown. They are simple, but get fancier and fancier with every strap and buckle that is added to the shoe.
The great thing about this trend is if you avoid Nordstrom or Gucci, you can find these shoes at a relatively low price. I’ve (personally) given myself a budget of $25-40.
Where did all these options go every other Friday when I hit the shoe store?! Guess I’ll be internet shopping for the next decade.